• Shawn Simon

    Valid points! As a stepmom, I know it can be even harder for a spouse to put their partner first over their kids. They often have so much guilt about putting their children through the divorce that they end up spoiling their kids. So, along comes a new spouse, and she feels left out or second place. This was how I felt in the beginning of my marriage to a man with children. Luckily, my husband and I communicate well, and we were able to work it out. Now, I feel his kids get the chance to see a good marriage at work. Nobody is saying the kids should be ignored. It’s all about balance, right? But, your marriage needs to be strong in order to be able to be there for the kids.

    • Giselle

      OMG this is exactly how I feel 🙁 my fiancé just doesn’t know how to balance. There’s family time and then adult time. Both should be as important but to my fiancé the min his son snaps his fingers and says he wants to come over or do something, and it’s adult time, our time together is compromised. He calls me selfish instead of seeing how adult time is so important to keep our relationship going. Love the kids and when it’s family time I am game to whatever everyone else wants to do! My fiancé just lacks the ability to communicate and refused go to therapy with me so I feel like I’m failing.

      • That is a tough situation you’re in! But, you’re not failing! You’re trying! You’re just not getting the support you need. I do know, though, that finding balance is hard for a lot of people. And many husbands feel guilty once they’ve divorced. Is your relationship newer? If so, you may find that he handles things better as time passes… I know, in my case, everything got easier as time passed– dealing with his ex, the kids and my relationship, and my husband’s guilt dissipated. That’s a bummer that he won’t go to therapy. However, there are other ways to get help. What about books on managing blended families? Have you looked into any of those? Would he read one with you if you found one? Maybe you can tell him that many experts in psychology say that the order goes: you first, then your relationship, then your kids. (If your religious, then God comes first.) The point, though, is that if you do the opposite, you are no good to anyone. You’re no good to your spouse if your needs are not met, you’re no good to your kids, if your relationship with your spouse is not nurtured. It’s like on an airplane when they say put your mask on first, then your child’s. You can’t help your child, if you can’t breathe. Right? 🙂 See what he says to that! Lol Let me know how it goes! Good luck, Giselle!

        • Giselle

          Oh man this response is a relief. Honestly sometimes just knowing I’m not the only one is just nice. Not that I’m glad others are suffering but just to know I’m not alone in this. I am def trying and hoping that God hears my prayers on change for the better. They say time is key! But time always can really put a lot of stress on the person wanting the change.
          I have read several blending family books. And I have tried to get him to hear me out on some of the advice they have given but he just ignores me.
          Honestly all I could do is do my part, continue to speak my mind when I think I need to, and just give him the time to learn how to balance all of us. Now I guess the real question will be, will I be able to stick around till he gets it right? Who knows, because everyone has their limits. My main thing is that he makes me feel like I am important and that our time is sacred as much as our time with the kids is. I do my best to have the patience because I know he has only been with his ex wife in the past and so he doesn’t know anything else. No experience in relationships or other women! So I have to constantly remind him that he has to not do the things he did in his last marriage because it didn’t help them, so we should learn from or mistakes and past situations.